I Wrote Something About Not Writing

I haven’t written anything in five months. Where have I been? Not that I left in search of my soul or anything (it’s forever lost and scattered, anyway). In fact I was just here. I never really left. What have I been doing? Five months is a lot of time! Not that I’m obliged to write ever too often though; but still. It bugs me. Have I been too busy? Meh. I got time to watch series and stuff so that doesn’t seem acceptable. Have I loss inspiration? Have I diminish my will to write?

A part of myself tells me that I have dulled my edge yet another willingly consoles me that there isn’t just anything to write about. However, deep inside, my subconscious nags at me about tons of stuff that could be enough reason for my thoughts be published. See, I am at war with my “selves” (yes, I am many). Maybe I’m just lazy - a statement I solemnly refuse to believe.

Lazy. A word I despise but cannot avoid. It’s like my Christian Grey minus all the BDSM shizz and Charlie Tango. Lazy is responsible for a lot of stuff I wish I could’ve done. And yes, Lazy brought a friend – Regret. But Regret only shows up once Lazy f*cked me up. And you know the funny thing is that this seemed to be a pattern in my “patternless” world. It doesn’t come too often just to be clear. I can be hard working if I want to be and if my mind is focused and determined enough to achieve something (like this write-up for instance). But sometimes, when I think about certain things and try to expand them into certain extents, I feel cripple, immobile, lost and useless. And this makes me feel entirely restless.

Not sure if that last sentence came out right but picture this instead. When I was really young, I wanted the world. I had high hopes. I studied very hard because I knew that by studying very hard I’d ace all my tests. And when I ace all my tests, I’d be accepted in a very prestigious university. And by studying in a prestigious university, I’d be able to get a good job. And by getting a good job, I’d be paid with a large amount of salary. And by having a large amount of salary, I’d be able to buy the stuff that I want. And by having the stuff that I want, I’d be able to do the things that I want to do. And by doing the things I want to do, I’d find someone who wants to do the things I want to do and vice versa. And then I’d marry him. And then we’ll travel the world one country at a time. And we’d have beautiful children. And when we die, we’d die in paradise – like literally, our rest house on the beach.

That sounded very ideal and yes, very convincing in my mind. Up until life showed me its true colors. Ha. Life is funny. Along the way, I met poverty, a corrupt government, a backwards society, untrustworthy people, the difficulty of achieving desires without money, the capacity a person has just to have money – REALITY.

It’s hard to admit but I fell flat on my face as if I have been living a lie. LOL not really. That sounded quite exaggerated I think I just put that one bit in just to spice this whiny blog up. But to be honest though, the distance from being entirely sheltered blurred how I formerly viewed the world.

From then on there were times where I lie in bed thinking about what would happen a year from now, three years from now, five years from now, ten years from now. Unconsciously I’d build thoughts in my head similar to what I had when I was a kid only it went the opposite. I tried to study very hard because if I didn’t study very hard I won’t be able to have impressive school records. If I didn’t have impressive school records, nobody would dare look at my resume. If nobody would dare look at my resume, I wouldn’t land a job. If I don’t bag a job, I would not be paid. If I’m not going to get paid, I cannot buy the stuff that I want. If I can’t get the stuff that I want, I’d be depressed. If I’m depressed, nobody’s ever going to love me. If nobody is going to love me, that beach house would be full of dogs and me all alone. Wait, I wouldn’t even have that beach house if I can’t afford it, right?

Then you’d think that it ends there. Oh no. Not even the slightest. One thought is supported by another thought and supported by another thought and supported by another thought and so on and on. After endless pondering, my brain suddenly registers the bonus question: WHY?

Maybe it’s because the government being corrupt, spending its funds on the wrong priorities and pocketing a large percentage so politicians get to eat with a silver spoon and citizens die of hunger. Maybe it’s the inferiority of the Philippines, succumbing to first-world countries, kissing their asses, forgetting their real worth and value. Speaking of value, maybe it’s the modern population’s crooked values that instead of finding better ways for the future, they get knocked up/knock someone up and adding another mouth to feed – more funds the government must allocate to. Or maybe it’s just me and my overactive mind or me and my anxieties killing me. It can also be those puppy and Ellen de Generes YouTube videos that take so much of my precious time instead of finding cure for HIV.  I don’t know.

Then from “I don’t know”, I would stop, confused. What was I stressing about in the first place? Are my worries even worth it? Should I be happy that I don’t know what’s going to happen next or should I be anxious? Imagine if I can foretell the future accurately. That’d be such a pain. Being the control freak that I am, I’m sure I’d live all my life watching out for the mistakes I will do or the loved ones that I’ll lose in the future. Then I wouldn’t really live at all. And I prefer to live. Note at how my thoughts escalate and plummet at such a short period of time. Like that bastard Lazy, my mind’s frantic sentiments are inevitable. So from there, my thoughts evaporate just like that – and I’d feel good. Not better than before but at least, good in the now. Then my beloved, cunning, smartass brain would tell me to watch Game of Thrones. That’s probably one of the reasons why I haven’t been writing lately. So is 2 Broke Girls, Shameless, Girls, Revenge, Modern Family and dozens of books in my reading list which I totally want to write about but would rather watch or read simultaneously instead.