Confessions of a Former Fat Girl

Growing up, I had a lot of issues about weight. I was a fat kid since birth up until fourth grade. I wasn’t medically obese but in the eyes of the people most especially the Filipinos, fat is fat. It’s not chubby, it’s not plump, it’s plain and simple FAT. Because of this, that’s how I viewed myself for the longest time. I grew up with a society that saw my kind of body size as “ugly” rather than “unhealthy”. The skinny ones were always the prettier ones. No matter how much of a stick figure they looked, they were always the ones preferred. They could wear the clothes they like and go anywhere without the fear of being called names such a pig, fatty or fridge raider. Well I wasn’t called a fridge raider though but I was called a lot of things.

Growing up, I could say that my childhood went well though. I had a secured life and I think it’s one of the strongest foundations of my present self-esteem. Everything was great except for my body weight and how I see myself back then. Because every time I looked in the mirror, all I see was ugly. Fat and ugly. Since people constantly say it, it felt truer and truer by the minute. Another thing was that I cannot wear the clothes that I like. I always chose the baggy clothes to hide my actual size. I was 9 years old and I can’t wear a sleeveless shirt because my “kid arms” were bulging or my tummy wasn’t flat under my shirt.

Looking back, I wish I hadn’t been so hard on myself but the damage is done and maybe if I wasn’t that determined in the past, I wouldn’t have loss all the weight.

The Turning Point

It was then that I decided I needed to do something about IT. My main motivation was for all the clothes I’d like to wear. And for b****** to shut the f*** up and stop calling me names. Take note that it wasn’t for health reason. So from there, I remember my 9 year old self on her diet. I was literally cutting back large portions of what I normally ate and it was over the top depressing! I was a kid and I was on a diet when I should’ve been enjoying life without problems. Apart from the diet I also started to do a little sports which alleviated most of my depression. Eventually I started to lose some pounds.

It was a long and difficult journey and by the time I was 11 and in fifth grade, I wasn’t fat anymore. I wasn’t stick skinny but at least I wasn’t called names too much because someone was already larger than me. At the moment, I thought I was already safe. Mission accomplished. Project Diet, NADA. But noooooo. I had no idea about high school and teenage angst back then. By the time I reached 13 my fat consciousness level skyrocketed drastically. I was determined to be Stick Skinny. Because I thought that by being stick skinny, I’d be pretty. And people would see me as pretty.

So like any stick skinny girl, I didn’t eat. I wasn’t anorexic but sure as hell, I didn’t like the activity of eating especially if it involved healthy food. Junk food was a large part of my diet. And since my teenage body does not react quickly to fat content as much as it does now, I wasn’t worried. I had a dysfunctional eating habit that seemed to work out perfectly for me. And my gosh was it effective! I got skinnier and skinnier and people started seeing me as pretty!

Problem solved.

Or that’s what I thought.

But I was wrong.

Really, really wrong.

My high school life was pretty active. I was most active in sports and extra-curricular activities and having skinny friends with me gave me a good motivation. On a side note, I’m also proud to say that I didn’t turn out to be the skinny bitch. I never taunted plus sized girls because I know what it feels like to be teased and called names. However, I remember the ones who did it to me and silently rejoiced whenever they see me in my thin, fit self. Fist pump inner self, oh yeaaah.

How I Went to Overdrive

Then there was college. The part where I went out of control. I already developed some kind of fear about me getting back to my former fat self. Not a single nerve in my body wanted that to happen. Not when everybody was giving me compliments and whatnots. Not when I started seeing myself as pretty.

College life was definitely a refreshing phase of my life. Everything was new and I finally got a tinge of freedom. I chose a university that was far from home thinking that it would enable me to explore the city more but didn’t think of the fact on how much pain in the arse the commute and budget would be.

All my life, I was secured in the confines of school and my home. But in college, I was kinda out there. Kinda out there and kinda broke.

With an allowance that was just enough to send me to school and back home, I was aching to have more money. What I needed the extra money for? My vices of course. Drinking with friends was a pastime. And since beer was expensive, we reserved it for special occasions and opt for hard liquor- cuts right through the guts but doesn’t hurt the wallet. Another thing was shopping. Whatever I saved within a month’s time, I buy clothes – since my obsession with clothes was my biggest diet motivation in the first place. 

So as a useless parasite who doesn’t have the power to earn money yet, I did what I did best – NOT EAT. My food budget was about 60 pesos a day. Instead of the normal meal, my lunch costs 15 pesos. Don’t ask what I’ve been eating back then. In between, I’d smoke cigarettes to divert my feeling of hunger. So let’s say my lunch cost me 25 pesos back then, I was able to save a good amount by the end of the month.

This went on for a long time, mostly half of my college life. I felt so badass thinking how cool I was smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol as much as I possibly can. Plus, I just got skinnier and skinnier so my fear of getting fat was already hiding in a dark corner. I prolonged the act not knowing or giving a damn on how much I was abusing my body.

My lack of sleep, stress of commute and the hassles of schooling helped me reduced weight. I wasn’t into sports anymore because I didn’t have the time (replaced by drinking and going out with friends, that is). Plus, something happened in my life that every teenage girl (or any kind of girl in retrospect) dreads. You already know what it is. So there goes my normal eating habit. On second thought, it wasn’t normal in the first place already. I ate one meal a day. The average was three. That one meal wasn’t even the actual recommended meal humans must take.

How I Felt

I was 19 years old, 5’7” and weighed 110 lbs. Yep. You’d think I’d be looking like a model as it was how supermodels were supposed to look like. My BMI result was underweight. Everybody thought I looked good though. Except me.

Every time I looked at the mirror, I was dissatisfied and I was mad at myself because I wanted to be skinny in the first place. That was supposed to be a good thing. But then I can’t see my boobs (I still don’t have them even when I gained weight LOL). And my butt was all flat. My face looked tired. Probably from all the smoking. My eyes sank and my cheekbones, for the first time in my life, were visible. That wasn’t what a vibrant 19 year old should look like. I refused to believe the girl in the mirror was me. And looking back, I feel sorry for the girl and what I’ve done to turn her into that way.

It was also the first time where I didn’t know how to handle it. I was so used at being called fat or big that all I knew was how to remain skinny. At the moment, gaining weight was ten times harder. I couldn’t just change the way I eat when I’ve been so used to it. And as a cherry on top, I got really sick from eating all the junk and from neglecting my body. My body has finally turned its back on me and it was more painful than I thought it would be.

My Recovery…

When I started to get better I looked worse. Thinner than ever. I was smaller by one size on my clothes and that’s when I admitted I just went too far. People were already commenting on my weight and I thought why don’t  the just SHUT UP??? They wanted me to lose all the weight in the first place!

But then, I realized people are going to say things no matter what. Whatever you do- good or bad- something just comes out of their mouths without permission. So the first thing I did was shut their comments off and listened to myself for once. I never knew I was deaf with my own thoughts. My mind was clouded with comments on how my arms were bulging or how big my tummy is or how flabby my legs were. How it’d be difficult for me to find a boyfriend because I was fat (it’s really difficult for me though but it’s not about the fat). How big I was compared to the other girls and so on.

Stick Skinny Girl wasn’t my thing. I was forcing myself in the wrong area. My bone structure didn’t really go well with what I was aiming for. Plus, I envy the butt of a black girl lulz. So nope. Bad idea and I just went all through that crap just to realize everything!

How I regained a more normal eating habit is another story. But the lesson I learned after years and years of trying to be skinny and acceptable is so cliché and mainstream that I wanna cry. “LOVE YOURSELF”.

Yeah Yeah. Love yo self.

As cheesy as it seems, it was the foundation of how I handled my insecurities. I didn’t love myself from the time my brain registered that I was fat and ugly. Fat isn’t even supposed to be ugly. It’s unhealthy. And girls above size 2 aren’t fat. They just happen to belong in a different world other than a skinny-obsessed society.

With this, I quote my girl J.K. Rowling: “Is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’?

I started to love myself and somehow, it changed how I view the world. How I viewed myself. It’s not an overnight, miraculous change because I still do have my insecurities and my weight battle is still on a subtle quest. But somehow, it gave me light to be kinder, wiser and stronger.  Kinder in a sense that I know a lot of girls who go through this and it’s downright TOUGH. And wiser that being FAT or gaining a little weight is not the end of the world or the end of me. Most of all stronger because whenever an a** says I’m fat (not because I’m medically obese but because I’m not like the society), screw them. There is a lot in me more than my weight. And it’s a shame that instead of seeing the fun, creative, smart, crazy side of people – others see the size first! The f*cking external appearance.

So this serves as a confession on what I’ve gone through. It’s not the worse but it was my fight and I know that someone out there is suffering all the same. The saddest part about it is that people are so entranced with the norm of the society, they forget what’s valuable underneath – and everybody, like a dead body, just seems to drift, going with the flow.